Ah, you're at that age—or maybe you're even coming a little early—to realize that life isn't a thing where you do the learning/studying, tweak a few psycho/neurological quirks, then go on to do the real stuff you're here to do. I remember how pissed I was the first time someone told me that life is the stuff you do while you're planning to do something else. It seemed so unfair, that I couldn't do all those great things I could imagine. Now on a good day I'm just grateful I got to do all the cool things I've done and am doing at this moment.
One thing I've come to learn is that "healing," or some call it "integrating," or whatever, sometimes I think of it as mostly unloading unnecessary baggage, maybe tweaking the nervous system a bit as well—it feels like a personal activity that only benefits the individual self, but it's much bigger and more important than that. I've been studying Thomas Hubl for a few years now and one of the important things I've learned there is that attuning and integrating individually is essential and beneficial for the larger world, even if we don't perceive that. So all that work we've been doing wasn't just preparing us to do the real stuff, it was the real stuff and much more important and impactful than we had any idea of. This is a faith thing. You may never see (while in a 3d human body) how this is true. It's an act of faith to live it. And faith is a whole nother thing . . .
And it may be hard to see all this and believe at the same time that the work you do matters. And quality matters. And you need to do what you need to do, and do it to the highest standard available to you at the moment you do it. I don't always get this, but I know it's true.
I'm reminded of a friend who had a difficult early life, sorely lacking in good guidance and support from wiser people. He had heard that with psilocybin mushrooms one could see God, so he went and bought what he later learned was enough to dose a small community, and he ate them and waited. Several hours later God appeared and said, "It's all right, Mike. You're doing fine." And that was that.
You're doing fine.
(Also, I would so love to increase my donation, but I'm . . . underemployed at the moment . . .)
[The difficulty has been figuring out how to live with all this.
See, I have this reoccurring fantasy built /on the shocking success I had recovering from trauma in my 20s that one day I’ll be fundamentally different. I do not believe this is the case.]
God, if this isn't exactly where I'm at right now. I've hit a wall where I've realised trying to be different isn't going to work, and I'm resigning myself to a life of whatever this is. It's better than living in a fantasy world and then having that all come periodically crashing down. But still.
Doing anything for money has never worked for me. It is a fundamental incompatibility with my existence. The fact this problem is not easily solvable for me and anyone else is a kind of chronic emotional pain.
So idk, I guess maybe you've "failed" to fit into a model that requires you be someone who you are not, but you have succeeded in engaging this humble reader in your honesty about it. This is what I find most refreshing and illuminating amongst everything false and dark in this world. <3
Ah, you're at that age—or maybe you're even coming a little early—to realize that life isn't a thing where you do the learning/studying, tweak a few psycho/neurological quirks, then go on to do the real stuff you're here to do. I remember how pissed I was the first time someone told me that life is the stuff you do while you're planning to do something else. It seemed so unfair, that I couldn't do all those great things I could imagine. Now on a good day I'm just grateful I got to do all the cool things I've done and am doing at this moment.
One thing I've come to learn is that "healing," or some call it "integrating," or whatever, sometimes I think of it as mostly unloading unnecessary baggage, maybe tweaking the nervous system a bit as well—it feels like a personal activity that only benefits the individual self, but it's much bigger and more important than that. I've been studying Thomas Hubl for a few years now and one of the important things I've learned there is that attuning and integrating individually is essential and beneficial for the larger world, even if we don't perceive that. So all that work we've been doing wasn't just preparing us to do the real stuff, it was the real stuff and much more important and impactful than we had any idea of. This is a faith thing. You may never see (while in a 3d human body) how this is true. It's an act of faith to live it. And faith is a whole nother thing . . .
And it may be hard to see all this and believe at the same time that the work you do matters. And quality matters. And you need to do what you need to do, and do it to the highest standard available to you at the moment you do it. I don't always get this, but I know it's true.
I'm reminded of a friend who had a difficult early life, sorely lacking in good guidance and support from wiser people. He had heard that with psilocybin mushrooms one could see God, so he went and bought what he later learned was enough to dose a small community, and he ate them and waited. Several hours later God appeared and said, "It's all right, Mike. You're doing fine." And that was that.
You're doing fine.
(Also, I would so love to increase my donation, but I'm . . . underemployed at the moment . . .)
[The difficulty has been figuring out how to live with all this.
See, I have this reoccurring fantasy built /on the shocking success I had recovering from trauma in my 20s that one day I’ll be fundamentally different. I do not believe this is the case.]
God, if this isn't exactly where I'm at right now. I've hit a wall where I've realised trying to be different isn't going to work, and I'm resigning myself to a life of whatever this is. It's better than living in a fantasy world and then having that all come periodically crashing down. But still.
Doing anything for money has never worked for me. It is a fundamental incompatibility with my existence. The fact this problem is not easily solvable for me and anyone else is a kind of chronic emotional pain.
So idk, I guess maybe you've "failed" to fit into a model that requires you be someone who you are not, but you have succeeded in engaging this humble reader in your honesty about it. This is what I find most refreshing and illuminating amongst everything false and dark in this world. <3
I recognize this cycle very well! For me it tends to go along with find exciting book >> book is so exciting that I can’t pay attention to it >> oh no